Meaningful Monday - Happy Birthday, Niamonster

I had a lot of time to sit and reflect yesterday. Exactly one year ago yesterday my wife went through a physical process that you could only believe was possible by witnessing it (and even then I wonder how the hell she did it). 

A child. A human. Grew inside of my wife for 9 months. Came out in the most painful way imaginable. Sitting in her chair and playing with her cake. 

Playing.

There are thoughts and feelings I have which I can't express in words. I want people to be able to read this text and feel what I feel - but that's not possible. 

The first birthday isn't just a huge milestone for Niamonster... it was a huge milestone for me. 

Here's why.

Aside from all of those lame jokes that people drop about "being able to actually keep the kid alive", the thoughts of success and achievement really are there. 

A year ago yesterday I was put into a situation where I had no idea what was going on. I had changed only one or two diapers in my lifetime. Had never fed a baby, or held it for very long, much less raised it or cared for it. I was thrusting myself into, what seemed like, an infinite abyss of the unknown. 

I hate the unknown. 

And there I was, forced to confront it with two options. Absolute Victory -or- Complete Failure. New and frightening thoughts were blasting their way into my head. "Did I have what it takes?", "Will I be able to provide enough?", "Will I know how to take care of her?"

"Will I be a good daddy?"

The first birthday arrives and as I stared at my beautiful little girl with cake on her face, with all her loved ones around her, with her smile and those two little teefers.... 

I did it. Here is the proof. 

I am a good daddy.

Happy Birthday, little girl. I love you more than monkey.